Monday, November 17, 2014

How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse on a Motorcycle

We all know what happens in the near future…we have seen it in “I am Legend,” “World War Z,” and “The Walking Dead.” The time will come when the world as we know it will be no more, and our very species will be threatened. Zombies, vampires, worldwide epidemic, alien invasion or machines with a surreal similarity to Arnold Schwarzenegger, the future is clear: our world will be overtaken. Zombies or no, it’s just a matter of time.

1. Choose your ride

Transportation will be quintessential. Navigating head-banging traffic from the max exodus of people flocking desperately to safety. Travelling long distances efficiently, as gas becomes a highly valued commodity. Being able to squeeze through tight spaces that would be unattainable to four-wheeled counterparts. And let’s be honest, this is the zombie apocalypse. If we lose our desire to swagger over to a sweet ride, what do we have left? My vehicle of choice is a motorcycle. If you have doubts, you need to re-watch the “Terminator” series.

 Imagine the destruction that will ensue as the world learns that the end is coming. Not to mention that the undead tend to have little respect for things like road laws and buildings. Perhaps there are earthquakes, damaged water pipes, collapsing bridges or falling road signs. Suddenly you need to overcome rough terrain.  You need a bike that can hop curbs, maintain stability over debris, and not be sequestered to the road. You need a dual sport.

2. Readying the Zombie-mobile

Our modern-day vehicles will simply not suffice as we combat the walking dead. We need to be equipped a few modifications in order to prepare our dual sport for life on the run. And then of course there’s the sheer style factor that you look like you came straight out of “Water World.”

Most important: gas. Because stations will be quickly depleted, siphoning leaves you immobile and vulnerable, and it is a resource that you will need consistently. You will need an aftermarket tank to increase your range.

Dual sports typically come with tires that are designed for primarily off-road use. Since are requirements are flexible and largely unknown, a more balanced tire would be ideal. Chances are that a 50/50 of off-road to on-road capabilities would be appropriate.

Next, the ability the haul your gear. This type of bike tends to be limited in this capacity. Adding reinforcement gussets or modifying steel tube frames via welding would be a good idea, and not hard to do if you know what you are doing. Then a combination of soft, waterproof bags and lockable containers will allow you to transport your necessities. The lock is for the people who did not read this article and are desperate for your genius forethought.

Last is aftermarket protection for your bike. After surviving a zombie encounter, the last thing you will want to worry about is damage to you or your motorcycle. Hand guards will protect your critical levers as well as your hands, which you will need to defend yourself from undead cannibalistic freaks. Then crash bars for the frame and engine.

3. Weaponization

The fun part is choosing your weapon. You will definitely want a knife that can be multi-purposed to cutting wood or securing shelter. But hopefully you will not to be within close enough range of the undead to need to use it on them. Whatever your method of self-defense, you will want a holster or other means to secure it to your bike.

Long Ride Shields is currently working on an apocalypse windshield for Harley Davidson Motorcycles. In addition to the built-in laser beams and heads-up targeting system, optional features include forward-facing Claymore mines.

4. Bring only what you need to survive 

You will want to bring only the minimal essentials. Extra gear will slow you down and make you a target. Water and shelter will be the necessities.

You will either have to bring or find water. Minimum amount for survival is a gallon a day. It is unrealistic to carry more than two gallons on your zombie-mobile, so prepare yourself with materials to collect and treat water.

*Note: during a zombie apocalypse, seemingly clean water sources are commonly infested with pathogens known to cause diarrhea, vomiting, dehydration, lack of brain function, creepy eyes, being covered in blood, and cannibalism.

“Shelter” includes a tent, supplies and materials to make protection from the elements, and clothing. This varies by region so you will want to carefully observe your climate and make-shifting capabilities as you consider your collection of layers. You will definitely want extra socks and undergarments. As they say in Zombieland, “always have an extra pair of underwear.” Plus, you will want good motorcycle gear, as it will also protect you on the road and from voracious zombie attacks.

There are a few additional items you will want to have. Food, for example. Technically humans can survive about a month without eating, but you will want sustenance to improve energy levels, mental capacity and your Kung Fu skills (because, let’s face it: you need all the help you can get). Protein or energy bars are ideal and seem to have no expiration date. Bring a lighter and at least one other method for starting fires. Include a basic tool kit should you need to make repairs to your bike, and you will probably want to slime-line your tires now. If not, I’ve heard zombie brain works great.

How will you survive the zombie apocalypse?

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